Full Circle

Have you ever heard the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too"? I have always considered it a silly saying that made no sense, but right now it seems to fit my life perfectly. Basically, it represents the inability to have all you want when the choices are impossible to combine. I love being in control of my own life and my surroundings. I enjoy peace and quite, routines and having a pretty good idea of what my next day is going to be like. What I don't love is being away from my family and friends.

I miss having a partner to lean on in difficult times, to cuddle up to on cold nights, to share the joys of life with. I miss my children, especially the family gatherings where we share our ideas and experiences, play games, watch movies and enjoy each other's company. I miss watching my grandchildren grow, sharing in their daily milestones and joys of childhood. I miss lunches with a girlfriend and days spent browsing shops or antique malls together.

I realized it is impossible for me to "have my cake and eat it too" and that the time had come to make a choice between my two worlds. Ultimately my decision was based on which one would bring me the most happiness. So now I have come full circle, back to the home and family I had in California. There will be a period of adjustment as I ease back into a life very different from the one I lived in Arizona but kisses from the tiny lips of my grandchildren on my cheek make it all worthwhile.

The circle of life never ends.

The Sum of All My Fears

F- false
E- evidence
A- appearing
R- real

I am amazed at how well I have adjusted to being alone and how fearless I have become because of it. Fear is one of the most driving forces in human nature. It is also one of the most destructive. For me, fear has been the cornerstone of my life. Not the kind of fear where you think someone is out to get you or fear that some act of God is going to fell you. It's the fears of everyday life that has had me so absorbed. What will people think of me is the biggest one of all. I have always had a great fear of not being accepted, not measuring up to one's standards, not making the grade (so to speak). Unfortunately, the consequence of all this fear was a huge blow to my ego, and trying to compensate for that opened me up for a myriad of faults.

Other fears that have plagued me in the past are fear of being alone, going places by myself (especially if unfamiliar), even eating alone in a restaurant. If I saw a person that looked "suspicious" or "strange" I would be fearful. If I was in a neighborhood or area that was deemed "not safe", I would be very fearful. If a family member wasn't home on time or the phone rang late at night my mind would think of all the bad things that might have happened. I spent a lifetime worrying about the proverbial "what if''". All these fears were created by one source - me! Me and my very own mind, with its constant fear of the unknown. There was no real cause for fear, just my imagined creation of it. I now have a better understanding of the saying "there is nothing to fear but fear itself". It is so true.

Everyone experiences a fear of the unknown. Each moment ahead of the one that we are living in possesses the unknown. The question is - why are we so fearful of it? Most of these unknown factors aren't even important, they are just fabrications of our perceptions and are usually unfounded. All the others are simply out of our control and need to be dealt with as they come. Whether we fret about them before hand or not, the outcome will still be the same. Living a "fearless" life had opened me up to so many new experiences and brought me so much pleasure. I have met a diverse array of people and enjoyed a multiplicity of new places. I am comfortable driving or walking anywhere I want to go, exploring the world around me. I have also acquired a new respect for all people along with a higher appreciation for their dissimilarities. No one needs to be feared simply because they are different.

So these days I count the sum of all my fears as zero, well almost zero. I am still not going bungee jumping off some cliff or riding the biggest roller coaster. Some fears just won't go away. But I finally feel free of the ridiculous fears that once plagued me. I no longer fear what other people might think. Their thoughts just don't matter. As for the fear of the unknown - I now embrace it, look forward to it with anticipation of goodness. Without fear there is peace. Peace of mind and peace of heart. This I wish for everyone.

Unexpected Change

Sometimes things happen in our lives that are completely out of our control. Suddenly a road can appear out of nowhere with a big sign that says "you must turn here". This road showed up on my path a little over a month ago and changed my life, yet again, towards a new direction.

I had to make the choice of taking a safer path than I had been on; one that would offer me shelter while I weathered out my personal storm. So I moved out of my dearly loved little house in Colorado to big basement apartment in my friends home in Arizona. Fortunately, my friend is my soul mate and the town where I now live is not too much different from the one I left.

Living with a friend who has shared a lifetime with me is a blessing from God. It has brought peace to my soul and guidance to my life, both of which were greatly needed. I still feel a strong connection to Colorado, but life here offers me more spiritual growth and a better chance at regaining the self-worth I have been seeking for so long.

I will miss Colorado, with it wonderful people and crazy weather (tornadoes and all). Who knows, maybe someday I will return there. I do not know what the future holds for me; right now I am taking it one day at a time. I know my dogs are happy here, although I think Niki will miss romping in the snow. I trust their sense of wellbeing and will follow their lead on this one!

The Spirit and the Soul

On May 1st my family lost one of it's dearest members, my nephew Jeff, in a motorcycle accident at (pardon the cliché) the prime of his life. His passing roused me into thinking about what makes us who we are. My conclusion spurred me to write this speech, which I delivered at Jeff's funeral. I want to share it with you so you will know Jeff as I knew him, a truly divine spirit and soul.



The spirit and the soul, two human entities that cannot be seen or felt, but exists in all of us as our immortal selves. Our soul is the element that defines who we are, our sense of identity. It is our emotional and intellectual energy, the embodiment of specific qualities that make us who we are.

Our spirit sits at the seat of our emotions, encompassing our most mental and moral characteristics- our true self. When we refer to someone in the past tense we may describe him or her as a gentle soul with an uplifting spirit. Jeff was this and more. His spirit had the qualities of courage, energy, determination and assertiveness. His soul was kind and gentle, inspiring and moral.

Now Jeff's soul has ascended to heaven, but his spirit continues to shine on earth for eternity. Through the coming years we will share many wonderful stories about Jeff, remembering his many talents and accomplishments in life, his laughter, his energy and his enormous love for all those around him. These stories will make us laugh and make us cry, but most importantly, they will make us realize that Jeff was not just an ordinary person- but rather and extraordinary person- and that our lives are better for having known him.


WE LOVE YOU JEFF

The Safest City

What a pleasure it is to rock away an un-seasonally warm afternoon on your neighbor’s front porch.

While admiring the flowers my new friend had just planted, we expressed hope that a late frost would not spoil her handiwork. We are very anxious for spring to arrive bringing both sunshine and rain to our gardens.

As we slowly sipped wine, and gazed around the neighborhood I was given a mini review of the people who live around us. As a homeowner of 20 years, on a street where most of the housing is rented by college students, my neighbor had a few colorful stories to share about the residents. As she spoke I began to realize that living in modern suburbia (my home in California) was far more colorful than the area I live in now.

My previous town was continually revered as one of the five safest cities in America. This being based on statistics of the ratio of violent crimes and felony crimes (against people) to the number of people living within the city. When I told my neighbor all the “colorful” events that had taken place on my tiny cul-de-sac she was shocked that we made the list. She compared my street to “Wisteria Lane”, of the popular television series, “Desperate Housewives”, and said I should write a book!

Oddly, when I lived in the “safest city” I still had fears of traveling through certain neighborhoods where I knew crime was high. There are no areas in this town where I fear to travel. No drive by shootings, no gangs walking their turf, no groups of drunken teens, hanging out in parking lots, behaving badly. I can walk my dogs day or night, relax in the park with a book, or stroll across Old Town and visit with strangers, all without trepidation.

Most of the crimes or “events” that took place in my suburban neighborhood where committed by people who were either crazy or executing acts against themselves or their families. Those crimes may not make the statistics, but the drama is the same. The crimes that take place in my current town don’t create a exhibition that has to be hashed over endlessly by its residents. Who needs such drama in their life? Not me, I am happy to give up “Wisteria Lane” any day for what I have now.

Ever Changing Weather

Weather; not even an expert can predict it accurately, especially in Colorado. Every day is different here, which is quite a change from California. In Colorado the sun shines 300 days a year but the temperatures rise and fall dramatically from day to day. Yesterday we enjoyed a warm sunny day and this morning I awoke to a winter wonderland! Four hours later the snow had melted and a fierce wind started blowing. Two hours after that it was back to sunshine and calm.

I love the ever changing weather. Learning to live with snow has created a few challenges, but I don't mind. It is so nice to experience the changing seasons. Each part of the year offers a different view of the world around me. I realize I haven't experienced any "extreme" weather here, but even extreme weather seems exciting to me.

Another thing I love about the weather here is being able to wear winter clothing. I have always been fond of comfy fabrics in fall colors and the layered look. Of course, red is one of those colors! I also enjoy curling up on the sofa with a fuzzy blanket or snuggling under layers of heavy bed covers. The best is being able to warm up by a fireplace in your favorite coffee house while sipping a hot latte.

Even my little dog, Niki, loves the snow. She runs and jumps and tosses the snow in the air with her nose. Beautiful gray geese gather together on the snow covered golf courses reminding me of a beautiful Christmas Card. My favorite is seeing the tree limbs heavily laden with snow out my bedroom window. I know it will all change soon but I am enjoying it while it lasts.

Home Sweet Home

Ever since I was a child I have loved turn-of the-century homes. Their cozy little rooms with ceilings stretched to the sky, claw-foot tubs and pedestal sinks, windows and walls adorned with moldings, and a covered porch where you can spend a lazy afternoon all evoke my idea of a real home. Growing up in apartments, I yearned desperately for such a place and spent hours designing my perfect house, complete with a family, a town and its people. At 10 years old I knew exactly where I wanted to be, I just didn’t know how to get there.

Now I am living in a house like I dreamed of, nestled in the foothills of the Northern Colorado Rockies. Life is much different here than in my native California town. The architecture is dated, the pace is slower, the people are friendlier and the seasons change.

Living in a vintage town has many advantages. The blocks are short and everything is close, which makes walking or bike riding preferred over driving. Shops, markets, banks, coffee houses, restaurants, even the post office, library and civic center are only a few minutes walk from my house. No matter what the weather, you will always find people on the streets, bringing the town to life. I could never be lonely here as there is always someone to strike up a conversation with. It's a comfortable town; like an overstuffed chair, it's easy to settle into.

A Whole New Year

I can't believe a whole year has passed since I last made an entry to my blog. Many things have transpired during this year, taking me down a path much different than I anticipated. While traveling along this path I came to a point where I felt it was time for me to choose between a life that was created for me, and a life that I wanted to create for myself. This decision surfaced after several years of self-absorbed contemplation and soul searching. I couldn't stop asking myself questions like "who am I" , "what do I think of the person I have become" and "what do I have to do to become the person I think I should be"?

Many people have these thoughts when they reach a certain age; but most are unable to take on the challenges and risks associated with making major changes at that stage of their life. Some just need a shove in the right direction to make the jump. This is what happened to me. In the midst of trying to create a future for myself and my family a big boot came and kicked that dream right out from under us. It was at that moment I knew it was time to take the jump.

Now I find myself living alone in another state, far from the life I had known for so long. This new life is definately filled with a myrid of trials and tribulations, but I am up for the challange. I am enjoying all the new experiences and feel a rejuvination of my soul. I don't know where I am headed, but I think I will like the ride.